The ideal man takes joy in doing favors for others

What this woman really wants is love and attention. But she calls it "gratitude." And she will never get gratitude or love, because she demands it. She thinks it's her due.

There are thousands of women like her, women who are ill from "ingratitude," loneliness, and neglect. They long to be loved; but the only way in this world that they can ever hope to be loved is to stop asking for it and to start pouring out love without hope of return.

Does that sound like sheer, impractical, visionary idealism? It isn't. It is just horse sense. It is a good way for you and me to find the happiness we long for. I have seen it happen right in my own family. My own mother and father gave for the joy of helping others. We were poor - always overwhelmed by debts. Yet, poor as we were, my father and mother always managed to send money every year to an orphans' home. The Christian Home in Council Bluffs, Iowa. Mother and Father never visited that home. Probably no one thanked them for their gifts - except by letter - but they were richly repaid, for they had the joy of helping little children - without wishing for or expecting any gratitude in return.

After I left home, I would always send Father and Mother a check at Christmas and urge them to indulge in a few luxuries for themselves. But they rarely did. When I came home a few days before Christmas, Father would tell me of the coal and groceries they had bought for some " widder woman" in town who had a lot of children and no money to buy food and fuel. What joy they got out of these gifts - the joy of giving without expecting anything whatever in return!

I believe my father would almost have qualified for Aristotle's description of the ideal man - the man most worthy of being happy. "The ideal man," said Aristotle, "takes joy in doing favors for others."

If we want to find happiness, let's stop thinking about gratitude or ingratitude and give for the inner joy of giving.

Parents have been tearing their hair about the ingratitude of children for ten thousand years. But why should children be thankful - unless we train them to be? Ingratitude is natural - like weeds. Gratitude is like a rose. It has to be fed and watered and cultivated and loved and protected.

If our children are ungrateful, who is to blame? Maybe we are. If we have never taught them to express gratitude to others, how can we expect them to be grateful to us?

Let us remember that to raise grateful children, we have to be grateful. Let us remember "little pitchers have big ears" - and watch what we say. To illustrate - the next time we are tempted to belittle someone's kindness in the presence of our children, let's stop. Let's never say: "Look at these dishcloths Cousin Sue sent for Christmas. She knit them herself. They didn't cost her a cent!" The remark may seem trivial to us - but the children are listening. So, instead, we had better say: "Look at the hours Cousin Sue spent making these for Christmas! Isn't she nice! Let's write her a thank- you note right now." And our children may unconsciously absorb the habit of praise and appreciation.

-- Excerpt from "How to stop worrying and start living" by Dale Carnegie

Wishing you a really happy Christmas.